In a different time, space or reality, March 12, 2018 could have been the happiest day of our lives. Instead, the universe took us on a different path and all I can do now is imagine our world had things gone to plan. Today would have been our little girl’s first birthday.
I had never even heard of the term ‘missed miscarriage’ until it happened to me. This is a miscarriage that your body doesn’t know has happened. All the hormones keep producing and all the signs and symptoms of pregnancy continue.
I remember my shock and complete denial when we were first told these awful words. It felt like the doctor, and even worse, my body were lying to me. My belly was visibly swollen, my cravings and nausea were constant and my hormone levels were right where they needed to be. I prayed for a miracle or a medical error but sadly neither came.
I’m writing this post because I believe our experience might have been a little less horrific (just slightly) if the topics of miscarriage and missed miscarriages were more openly discussed. At the time we received our devastating news, I knew of only two others who had miscarried. The stats tell a different story - one in four pregnancies unfortunately end this way.
It would have been a considerable help during that painful time to speak to others who had been through what we had. Message boards and Google didn’t help – instead, they scared us more than anything. What I craved was to meet other couples who had been through something similar and could advise us on how best to deliver our baby in such difficult circumstances and survive this painful experience.
Our GP at the time was terrible. We received little information and minimal support from her. Thankfully we found an obstetrician who began to restore our faith in the medical profession.
I chose to have a D&C, an operation to remove our baby. Although the idea of an operation (and something going wrong) terrified me, I had waited for over two weeks for the miscarriage to begin and nothing had happened. Instead, my body continued to believe I was pregnant - leading to much self-loathing. I remember not being able to look in the mirror for a long time and when I caught my reflection not recognising the person looking back. The sadness that overcame my fiancé, Kevin, and I was like nothing we had ever known.
Healing occurs over time. Compassion, understanding and forgiveness were emotions I worked on cultivating during this experience.
I found the following beneficial in my journey out of the darkness:
1. Connection with your partner
Kevin and I grew closer during this experience. There were days where we couldn’t even face getting out of bed but we lent on each other throughout. I know for some couples this is not the case, and a devastating blow like this can cause separation. To this day we both allow and hold space for each other when feelings of grief show up. Talking to each other honestly and allowing each other to feel our feelings has helped us both immensely.
2. Support network
Through this experience I found a wonderfully supportive new GP, obstetrician, kinesiologist, therapist and a reiki and reflexology practitioner. I wish I had found this network before I was ever pregnant but as Oprah Winfrey wisely says “when you know better, you do better”. Don’t settle when it comes to anyone looking after your health and wellbeing - if you don’t feel supported or cared for move on and get that care elsewhere.
3. Being open and talking to friends
We chose almost straight away not to keep our loss a secret. For us not acknowledging our loss felt like saying she never existed. We knew we would never be the same again and wanted to voice the reason why. Not all friends are able to listen to pain and that’s ok. Surround yourself with those who can offer a listening and supportive ear. It’s funny (but not really) when people say they didn’t know what to say. You don’t want them to say anything – you just want to be heard. There is nothing to say which can help. And that’s ok. Showing up is all that matters.
4. Health
Although the tests showed there was no ‘cause’ for the miscarriage it’s hard not to blame yourself or your body. I did this for a while but then I decided to take back control. I began to start cooking healthier meals, making juices and smoothies and creating healthy snack alternatives. Eating well made us both feel better and more able to get through the days, weeks and months of grief. I also decided to start physical exercise and joined a morning boot camp. It was the first time in my life that I committed to weekly exercise. I found it helped me to feel stronger and more in control of my body and health. Classes like boxing were also good for releasing difficult emotions such as anger.
5. Mindfulness Meditation
We enrolled in a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) eight week course. At the time meditating with strangers every week was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. The results, however, were powerful. This course helped me to discover, identify and get comfortable with emotions within my body. A lot of healing happened for us both during the eight weeks. My biggest takeaway was the realisation that everyone suffers, and our suffering is what connects us. I highly recommend this course to everyone, not just those grieving.
Recently I heard about the Pink Elephants Support Network and the work they are doing in Australia to connect and support couples who have gone through any kind of pregnancy loss. I hope one day soon there will be something similar available in Ireland and across the World.
It is now one year on from our due date and eighteen months from the loss. I don’t think grief ever goes away, you just learn to live with it. To anyone experiencing grief please know life will get easier with time and there comes a day when you will find yourself smiling again.
I hope if you are reading this and have been through something similar that you feel less alone and maybe a little bit more understood. I am hopeful that through my practice I will get to support both women who are pregnant and women who were pregnant but sadly experienced loss.
Kevin also wrote about his experience of grief and loss which was published in the Irish Times last year. To read visit HERE
If you would like any recommendations through my support network or would just like to chat please get in touch.
Love,
Vicki
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